I recently read about a “study” that was conducted by 
bestblackdatingsites.org that seemed to get the attention of quite a few readers. In this “study” (and I keep using this term loosely for obvious reasons), it was determined that there are only three qualified black men for every 100 black women. The study uses the following criteria to determine if a black man is worthy of having a mate1) He is heterosexual
2) Is interested in black women
3) Has a high school diploma
4) Earns over $30,000 per year
5) Is not obese
6) Does not have kids with another woman
According to the “study,” it was determined that there are only three black men who fit this list for every 100 black women in America.
Clearly, I found the list to be offensive for personal reasons. I had a daughter when I was 18, so I guess I too am one of those worthless men who isn’t worthy of being loved by anyone other than my mama. But with my personal issues being put to the side, I am even more intrigued by this list and this website’s poor attempt at marketing by using a set of very weak facts to support their assertions.
First, we should all be concerned when anyone goes looking for love with a list in hand. Searching for love is not like shopping for groceries. Those who have lists are almost always determined to fail, and to some extent, their commitment to a list of strenuous standards is their way of avoiding the very thing that they claim to be seeking. Some people seem to enjoy the idea of going from one situation to another searching for something that simply does not exist.
I can also say that for many black men with whom I speak (yes, good ones), the idea of a woman looking at them with a list reminds them of slave auctions where the master would look at the slave’s teeth and bone structure to decide if he would be good to work in the field. Your partner was not put on this earth to serve you; he was put on this earth to love you, but only if you prove yourself capable of accepting true love. No one wants to be evaluated and objectified like a commodity or a piece of meat. Perpetual focus on the superficial makes the relationship almost professional in nature and undermines your ability to truly connect to the core.
Second, my father (whom I consider a good man; he was married to my mother for 35 years) and I looked at each other curiously when we thought about how many women keep lists with criteria that they themselves can’t meet. Most of us know the woman with two kids and no job who feels that she has to have a baller on her arm.
Personally, I think it’s ok to have a few double standards in the dating market. But to somehow see this “study” as evidence that black men are not stepping up to the plate is to ignore the fact that there are just as many overweight black women as there are black men. For every black man with a baby’s mama, there’s a black woman with a baby’s daddy. Putting this information into proper context reminds us that almost none of us has a perfect track record when it comes to the choices we’ve made, and to turn a critical eye to someone you are trying to convince to become a lifelong partner only reduces the likelihood that they are going to want you in their life at all.
Imagine if men were to say, “There are no good black women to have sex with,” and then produced a list describing the woman that they’d like to sleep with:
1) She must be drop dead gorgeous
2) She can’t weigh more than 130 pounds
3) She has to have outstanding skills in the bedroom
4) She has to give her man sex whenever he requests it, no questions asked
5) She must offer regular sex without requiring too much time, money, attention or affection
If a man spent his entire life looking for a woman to match his list before choosing someone to have sex with, he’d be waiting his entire life (or have to date a prostitute). We all know women are interested in sex, but many have an easy time turning it down from the wrong person. If a man walks up with a list of demands before the conversation even begins, he would find himself the loser before the start of the game.
Instead, it might make sense for him to prioritize just a little bit. He might also need to do some self-analysis to determine if he’s capable of attracting the kind of mate that he’s demanding. If there are no takers, then he might have to wonder why no women are willing to have sex with him. In fact, he might realize that rather than walking into the situation barking his demands, he might actually want to find out what women are looking for in men with whom they spend their “quality time.”
The point is that quite a few people keep dating lists of things they are looking for, but spend no time thinking about what they can offer and whether the thing they offer are actually valuable to the other party. Yea, I know you have a good job. I know you have your MBA. Yes, yes, yes, you have perfect credit and stay in great shape. But what kind of person are you? Are you going to stand by your partner through good and bad times? Are you a person who seeks to give or someone who simply complains about what you’re not receiving? What kind of human being are you?
After shaking our heads in curiosity about this list, my father and I next noticed what was NOT on the list: internal attributes such as character and integrity….the things that actually make a man into a decent human being. Most of us know quite a few men with plenty of money and good looks who aren’t worth a damn in a relationship.
A man with money might marry you, but a man with integrity will stay with you through the tough times. I hate saying this, but most men I know don’t spend each night dreaming about the day that they are going to locked into a lifelong relationship. Ultimately, it is a man’s values and character that lead him to make the right choices when it comes to his marriage and family, and almost nothing else. It saddens me that some see men as tools or resources to fulfill selfish needs, rather than partners with whom meaningful bonds can be established.
My advice? Put down the list, work on yourself, be a good human being and peer inside a person’s heart and not their bank account. Then maybe you’ll find that there are far more good black men than you think.:
bestblackdatingsites.org that seemed to get the attention of quite a few readers. In this “study” (and I keep using this term loosely for obvious reasons), it was determined that there are only three qualified black men for every 100 black women. The study uses the following criteria to determine if a black man is worthy of having a mate1) He is heterosexual2) Is interested in black women
3) Has a high school diploma
4) Earns over $30,000 per year
5) Is not obese
6) Does not have kids with another woman
According to the “study,” it was determined that there are only three black men who fit this list for every 100 black women in America.
Clearly, I found the list to be offensive for personal reasons. I had a daughter when I was 18, so I guess I too am one of those worthless men who isn’t worthy of being loved by anyone other than my mama. But with my personal issues being put to the side, I am even more intrigued by this list and this website’s poor attempt at marketing by using a set of very weak facts to support their assertions.
First, we should all be concerned when anyone goes looking for love with a list in hand. Searching for love is not like shopping for groceries. Those who have lists are almost always determined to fail, and to some extent, their commitment to a list of strenuous standards is their way of avoiding the very thing that they claim to be seeking. Some people seem to enjoy the idea of going from one situation to another searching for something that simply does not exist.
I can also say that for many black men with whom I speak (yes, good ones), the idea of a woman looking at them with a list reminds them of slave auctions where the master would look at the slave’s teeth and bone structure to decide if he would be good to work in the field. Your partner was not put on this earth to serve you; he was put on this earth to love you, but only if you prove yourself capable of accepting true love. No one wants to be evaluated and objectified like a commodity or a piece of meat. Perpetual focus on the superficial makes the relationship almost professional in nature and undermines your ability to truly connect to the core.
Second, my father (whom I consider a good man; he was married to my mother for 35 years) and I looked at each other curiously when we thought about how many women keep lists with criteria that they themselves can’t meet. Most of us know the woman with two kids and no job who feels that she has to have a baller on her arm.
Personally, I think it’s ok to have a few double standards in the dating market. But to somehow see this “study” as evidence that black men are not stepping up to the plate is to ignore the fact that there are just as many overweight black women as there are black men. For every black man with a baby’s mama, there’s a black woman with a baby’s daddy. Putting this information into proper context reminds us that almost none of us has a perfect track record when it comes to the choices we’ve made, and to turn a critical eye to someone you are trying to convince to become a lifelong partner only reduces the likelihood that they are going to want you in their life at all.
Imagine if men were to say, “There are no good black women to have sex with,” and then produced a list describing the woman that they’d like to sleep with:
1) She must be drop dead gorgeous
2) She can’t weigh more than 130 pounds
3) She has to have outstanding skills in the bedroom
4) She has to give her man sex whenever he requests it, no questions asked
5) She must offer regular sex without requiring too much time, money, attention or affection
If a man spent his entire life looking for a woman to match his list before choosing someone to have sex with, he’d be waiting his entire life (or have to date a prostitute). We all know women are interested in sex, but many have an easy time turning it down from the wrong person. If a man walks up with a list of demands before the conversation even begins, he would find himself the loser before the start of the game.
Instead, it might make sense for him to prioritize just a little bit. He might also need to do some self-analysis to determine if he’s capable of attracting the kind of mate that he’s demanding. If there are no takers, then he might have to wonder why no women are willing to have sex with him. In fact, he might realize that rather than walking into the situation barking his demands, he might actually want to find out what women are looking for in men with whom they spend their “quality time.”
The point is that quite a few people keep dating lists of things they are looking for, but spend no time thinking about what they can offer and whether the thing they offer are actually valuable to the other party. Yea, I know you have a good job. I know you have your MBA. Yes, yes, yes, you have perfect credit and stay in great shape. But what kind of person are you? Are you going to stand by your partner through good and bad times? Are you a person who seeks to give or someone who simply complains about what you’re not receiving? What kind of human being are you?
After shaking our heads in curiosity about this list, my father and I next noticed what was NOT on the list: internal attributes such as character and integrity….the things that actually make a man into a decent human being. Most of us know quite a few men with plenty of money and good looks who aren’t worth a damn in a relationship.
A man with money might marry you, but a man with integrity will stay with you through the tough times. I hate saying this, but most men I know don’t spend each night dreaming about the day that they are going to locked into a lifelong relationship. Ultimately, it is a man’s values and character that lead him to make the right choices when it comes to his marriage and family, and almost nothing else. It saddens me that some see men as tools or resources to fulfill selfish needs, rather than partners with whom meaningful bonds can be established.
My advice? Put down the list, work on yourself, be a good human being and peer inside a person’s heart and not their bank account. Then maybe you’ll find that there are far more good black men than you think.:
No comments:
Post a Comment